


Coming Out Of the Cage

by girlwithacrown



Series: Coming out of the Cage Series [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Asexual Remus Lupin, Everyone Has Issues, Explicit Language, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, No Smut, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Swearing, Timeline What Timeline, james potter is a hopeless case, peter pettigrew wants to belong, sirius black is a mess, slowburn, until he isn't, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-23 02:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17674400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwithacrown/pseuds/girlwithacrown
Summary: In a universe where soulmates exist in the wizard community ... everything seems ... more complicated... . Especially for the 4 marauders: James can't get his soulmate to like him back, Sirius does not want to conform to his family's expectations and Remus is just the regular asexual werewolf dude, until he isn't (and Peter is always forgotten).





	Coming Out Of the Cage

**Author's Note:**

> It is a wolfstar story, with also quite a lot of jily (oh come on they deserve that).  
> The prologue is to settle the AU and the characters - the story itself takes off in the sixth year of the marauders in Hogwarts. Timeline what timeline: Snape's worst memory has not taken place like in the books and has a different spin on it, the Marauders are not animagi yet.

**Prolouge_**

For James Potter, it was the first time he laid eyes on Lily Evans. Just the mere look of her, galloping to the Gryffindor table after the sorting hat proclaimed her house. Her magic ability and her excitement had turned her new robes into the deep scarlet of the house colour - this image had burned the date onto his ribcage. But all his efforts to woo her were only met by her absolute disgust about his actions. The more he tried, the more she seemed to despise him. But of course, James Potter was no ordinary boy, not even by wizard standards, for he was the most optimistic person, a fool one might think, but he preferred to think of it as being an absolute romantic (which of course, as far as Lily was concerned, was a problem).

At the age of 11, James' soulmark was a curiosity. At age 15, although his best friends and dorm mates never questioned his sincerity, they watched him make a fool of himself because of the mark every so often that they came to question the sensibility of having such a mark in the first place. At least the friends had fun with planning and executing all the lovely shows of affection that James had fabricated to woo this girl. But he came to realise that these maneuvers would probably not work on Lily Evans. A short best off of follow-up discussions about these love declarations could read as follows:

"James, did you really think that would work?" – "Well Remus, I thought maybe all she needed to realise that I am her soulmate would be to make the flummery for dessert in her image"

"James, that did not go as planned" – "Peter, who knew that wands are flammable?"

"Sirius, do you think that was a close one?" – "No James, I do not think that enchant her earmuffs to whisper your name was well received"

Remus Lupin, son of a muggle mother always had felt that the concept lacked depth since muggles (and by that the most part of the human population) were unable to bear such a mark. He thought of it as another curse, not nearly as bad as the curse he was under, of course. But being a werewolf, he did not even know if he was wizard enough to be included in the elitarian society of soulmark-holders. Needless to say, he did not like to think about romance and relationships in the first place. Starting at Hogwarts, he had his hands full with having a monster lurking inside his mind, tearing away at his body and keeping this secret from his all too nosy new friends.

Sirius Black was another case altogether. The pureblood misfit hated the thought of a soulmate, threatened of not being able to escape his fate. His parents, upholding everything magic and old-fashioned, loved parading not only their marks, showing the same date very visibly on their wand hands, but it was also custom in the 'most noble' family to celebrate the magical matches of pureblood soulmates in opulent ceremonies, where the marks where laid out to the pureblood wizard elite - wherever on the body they might have manifested.

Having their minds occupied by charade and mischief the four Gryffindor boys, self-proclaimed marauders, were only too happy not lingering on the concept of soulmates. James, making a loving fool of himself, really was seen more as part of his personality rather than the outcome of this magic relic. Even without searching to live up to this idea, they had their hands full with being dubbed master-pranksters and secret friends of a teenage werewolf. That was, until their sixth year at Hogwarts.

**What Did You Do That for_**

Sirius had managed to be disinherited and blown off the family tree in the summer leading up to the school year all by himself (something about a flying motorbike and a muggle girl) and had spent Christmas with the Potters. While Remus had been spending it with his parents, both of them with their hands full, trying to get him to eat healthy and rest in the wake of the full moon and afterwards carrying for his fresh wounds. Although it had been nice to see them again, Remus was aware of the fact that they had grown estranged. This was most true when it came to his ‘furry little problem' of course. It was completely different to care for a werewolf cub than to deal with the almost fully-grown monster, he now turned in to at full moons. The attic had grown way to small for him and the house beamed every time the wolf threw itself to the wooden panels of his confinement, howling with loneliness and the pain of smelling the silver lining. It was no wonder that he looked especially bad when returning to Hogwarts. So, upon their arrival back at their dorm, the biggest visible change was that Remus had managed to get himself another prominent scar across his face, to his absolute dread, and to Sirius delight; who even tried to persuade his friend to lay off on glammering his scars altogether, to achieve a more ‘dramatic, dangerous look'. Of course, Remus already had a sense that he, in fact, was dangerous enough and also found the level of drama in his life quite sufficient without having the additional fear of being outed as a werewolf at any given moment.

"Oh my Moony, how I missed you", Remus was unpacking when Sirius hugged him from behind.

"Sirius, what do you want?"

"Let me see your scar again".

Remus sighed: "I already glammered it".

"Oh my precious snowflake, your beauty regime is tighter than Slughorns robes-"

Remus was not having it, shoving his best friend onto the bed with one push.

"What the filibuster! You should really find another outlet for your anger issues. … speaking of which, we just HAVE to get you shagged. I just can't go around my life anymore with one of my best friends saving up for his ginger soulmate and you being such a frigid goody-good... and Peter."

There was a grunt from the other side of the room, the chubby boy clearly unhappy with his lack of characterization. James had not been listening; stroking his newly waxed broom and just tilted his head about what was going on.

"I mean look at this fool, without the outlet needed, he clearly developed a sexual fixation on his Nimbus." With this Sirius, still occupying Remus' bed made his hips roll against an imaginary broomstick. An action that was met by vomiting sounds out of Remus' mouth as well as laughter from the other boys.

"Oh come on, these hips are pure magic!"

With a flick of Remus wand, the curtains of his bed draw shut, trapping his friend inside of it.

"If you want me to stay trapped in your bed unsupervised that is your responsibility – it clearly is craving the action"

The expulsion from his family had turned the Sirius not only more reckless but also had liberated him in his love affairs. As far as the other marauders knew, Sirius had, without the hopes and expectations of his soulmark demanding parents on his shoulders, decided to celebrate the newly found liberty with an extravaganza in flirting around the castle.

Remus was rolling his eyes, but still took back his enchantment, Sirius had without knowing strike a nerve.  

It wasn't that Remus did not know that his lack of interest in sex or even snogging was kind of weird for a teenage boy. But he always had connected it with his feeling of dis-belonging to the wizarding world in general. Of course, there was no doubt that he was a wizard, being top of the class (with the exception of Lily Evans, of course). And there was no denying that he was seen as handsome by some of his fellow students (most of the girls, although also one or two boys had shown interest in the tall and introverted boy). But, but for him, it was just never happening. The few times (mostly after the moon) when he had awoken with the visible sight of sexual tension, he just had sighed and waited for it to go away - not acting upon it. What Sirius and nobody knew was that he was not only a virgin but in fact never had touched himself nor had anything like romantic feelings towards anyone. For all he knew, he just was not that kind of person. Much to the displease of the Black boy and him wanting Remus to acknowledge that he had urges himself, just like the rest of them.

"So was this everything for the holidays?" Remus threw the question in the room to change the subject. The response was a short uncommon moment of silence. But as Remus lifted his head from the books he had just unpacked he had missed the look the other boys had exchanged and Peter gossiped away: "Ugh, Sirius you can be happy about being expelled from your family. I was FORCED to attend the soulmark ceremony of your cousins and the Malfoy prick."

Sirius rolled his eyes in response. Of course, his cousin Narcissa had matched with a pureblood douchebag. Lend on by the response Peter's chatting went on: "He had his shirt off for all of the ceremony marching around with the date on his collarbone. I mean it would not have been necessary. But of course, your Mother was more than happy to rip Narcissa's robe a little down. It was so embarrassing! I mean she is not even that pretty…"

Remus sighed, it wasn't that he did not enjoy a good wizard world gossip, but he was just tired of the soulmarks topic as a whole, which had taken up an alarming portion of the boy's time ever since the summer.

"Peter stop it, can't you see that your graphic description of Malfoy's bare chest makes our Moony uncomfortable", Sirius was grinning at his friend, Remus in return was giving him the finger, thereby sending Peter and James again in fits of laughter.

After James and Peter had recovered, the young marauders decided to make their way to the Hogwarts grounds. There still was ice on the outer banks of the lakes and they could cover all the shallow waters to get closer to the giant squid. They liked to think that they befriended the beast, but really it just tolerated them coming that close because of the candy they floated towards him.

Remus had told Hagrid that he would visit him after Christmas, so while Peter, who was not enjoying Hagrid's hugs, made his way back together with James (who after biting a tooth out on one of Hagrid's cookies tried to stay clear of it), Sirius (who loved Hagrid's dislike of posh people and Slytherins) and Remus (who liked Hagrid because he knew a lot about magical creatures and the Forbidden Forest) entered the groundkeepers hut. There was a big plate of stone-cookies already planted on the table and three cups with strong hot tea waiting.

"Saw u on the lake, and figured you'll come after", Hagrid pressed both of them into one of his infamous hugs, "James still on a diet?" Gasping for air, Remus and Sirius just laughed and sat down to listen to the newest centaur gossip.

 

When they entered the common room through the portrait hole, James and Peter were sitting in front of the fireplace, playing a game of chess that James seemed to be winning, although his eyes every so often wandered to the ginger head occupying a whole table with at least five lengths of parchment. Lily lifted her head, her eyes pinning on Remus: "Oi, Lupin! I can't believe you ditched me for your boyfriend! I thought we had a date for coordinating our history presentation! Fucking boys, nothing but trouble!"

Remus heard Peter and James whistling behind his back. "Miss. Evans..." he was at her table already. "I hope you liked your Christmas present." Lily smirked but carried on the dramatic moment loud enough for all the marauders to hear: "Yes, I guess the collected volume of ‘Prominent Figures in 20th Century Magic' would be a waste on a man who likes to spend his days with a pack of unwashed teenage mutts. "Hey!", James was used to Lily's insults but never short of a comeback: "I am far more majestic than a mutt!" Lily was only laughing in response and his grin turned upside down and his look back to the chessboard in front of him. "Wait, Peter – did you change something here?"

"Sorry Lily, something came up", it was not really a lie and so it easily came off his tongue. "Oh, it's always something with Sirius Black! He is even a bigger drama queen than Petunia". Remus did not want to go into his visits with Hagrid and just sighed: "So how was family?"

Lily's answer was casual, but Remus knew that she really tried to keep her temper: "Oh, you know ‘tunia is just really … not okay with me being a witch… but other than that it was great. Severus and I did a lot of potions and we found a very odd orchid in their garden and it took days to have it sorted out, so that was fun."

Remus could do nothing about it and snorted at the sound of the greased-haired Slytherin. "What?", Lily's full mouth transformed into a thin line. "Sorry, I know we agreed that we can't stand each other's friends, but I sometimes forget that you are still spending so much time with him off Hogwarts. Do you even talk in school?"

"Yes we talk … in secret". Her cheeks flushed and suddenly Remus did not like the direction in which this conversation was going. He let out an awkward light cough. Her eyes widened in response. "No nothing like that – aaaw only because you are friends with the biggest slut of Hogwarts, this doesn't mean, I don't even want … oh fuck Remus, let us just focus on History instead". Both of them were happy that they could go back to what they did best – discuss homework. By the looks of it, both of them had over prepared the presentation and they needed to shorten it by half. When they were finished, Remus snuck into a dark dorm room. With his wolf eyes leading the way there was no need to light the room and he sunk into sleep, with one ear listening to the comforting sounds of the other boy's steady breathing.

 

The next day their timetables were packed with classes already. After the last bell, Sirius and Remus were on their way to have an early dinner, while James had gone off to the quidditch pitch and Peter had to stay behind at transformation and clean up the mess he had fabricated (- poor rooster). Remus face still was buried in the essay McGonagall has handed him back with a smile, he loved reading her notes and was beaming with pride over her constructive scribbles. With his head bowed, walking slowly to not bump into another student, Sirius was on his guard to warn him about upcoming obstacles: "Watch out Remus, vanished step coming along", Sirius warning came just in time and Remus trembled a little and had to be caught by his friend: "Moony, really, you have become too big for this".

"Sorry, Sirius"

He folded the essay neatly and placed it into his bag. Still some staircases to go until the Great Hall, Sirius tuck his arm into Remus', who let it happen. These kinds of physical attention were just a thing he had gotten used to.

"So how is the queen of hearts?"

Remus signed. "You know that Lily knows that you call her that behind her back, right?"

"Well, you know that I don't care right?", he grinned and Remus had to smile. The raven-haired boy and the fire headed girl were really kind of similar when you thought about it, both of them gifted, pretty, loyal to their best friends and the absolute worst losers.

"So did she dump Snivellus already?"

"They are not together, you know, they are just friends".

Sirius made a disbelieving grunting sound.

"And no, they did not dump or bump, they researched orchids and made potions and had a nice time as it seems."

"Ugh, nerds"

Something Lily had said lingered in his mind and came to live when Sirius dismissed researching flowers as not having a good time.

"You know, Sirius, I actually agree with her – brewing potions and researching plants sounds fun. Just because you are a teenage whore, which is totally fine with me by the way, you can't assume that everyone has these hormone-driven urges to stick their tongue …"

But he could not finish his sentence, for Sirius had grabbed his face and planted a kiss on his mouth. It was over in a second and then the anger kicked in: "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"I made a point"

"What point?"

"That you both are completely right, as always. Because as it seems you two PRECIOUS PINEAPPLE HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT". Remus looked at his friend in total surprise and was unable to move, even when Sirius stormed off, leaving him behind, mumbling something along the line "Fucking boys, nothing but trouble".

 

What was that all about? Remus looked how Sirius disappeared behind the next corner and carried on to make his way to the Great Hall, with his wolf metabolism there was no chance that he was going to miss dinner over one of Sirius dramas. Every so often Remus found himself totally estranged with his fellow peers. It was almost like the hormones that flushed their brains did not reach his own. Of course, his body had changed, he was the tallest in their year, even taller than some of the older boys, his voice had deepened and he resorted to shaving over the last year, but it looked like the madness that had befallen the other marauders had spared him. Clearly, he did not want that, he had nothing than pity for James who dreamed of being with Lily, for Sirius who so desperately wanted someone to love and for Peter who just wanted to belong with someone.

Remus had tried to research something about werewolves and half-breeds and the effect of their condition on puberty and mating, but there wasn't a lot to go an and he really had more interesting topics to read about.

 

"He did WHAT?"

Remus had found Lily at the Gryffindor table, tugging into some spinach pastries. There was no sight of his dorm mates and so he had felt it was the right time to tell what just had happened. "He kind of kissed me, well it was not really a kiss …", he tried to make it sound diplomatic.

"Yeah, I heard you the first time, I just can't believe you did not try to hex his socks off".

"Well, it isn't like he spelled my earmuffs to whisper his name…", Remus innocently reminded her of the time she had caused James to spend in the hospital wing for three days to shrink his toenails back to normal size.

"Oi, that was two years ago, but also, yes that was I am talking about!", she was all business with her hexes.

"I mean, that's just him. He needs the drama, he is kind of lost you know, ever since his family kicked him out he is all about making a point ...", he did not know how to finish the sentence.

Lily puckered her lips: "You know you really should stop to jump at their defenses all of the time."

Remus sighed he did not want to fight with Lily over this, so before he could stop himself – "I don't jump at their defenses all of the time, also when was the last time they did a prank on you? Like, two years ago?", he did not want to argue with her about it but she would just not let it go.

"One and a half and I'm not talking about me ... they are constantly picking on Sev' for no reason".

That was it, Remus knew that there were enough reasons to pick on this slime filled prick, but he also knew that Lily would just see it as ‘jumping to their defenses' again.

So, he resorted to talking about the original topic: "Sirius just is confused about this whole soulmark stuff and puberty and I don't know … finding love I guess"

Lily shook her head, Remus had stricken a nerve with the girl: "Sorry Lily, I know you never asked about James …"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, OKAY!"

Lily jumped up and left Remus behind, he himself puzzled of how it came that today he had managed to fall out with two of his best friends. "Fucking teenagers, nothing but trouble".

Remus needed some peace and quiet and went to find an empty classroom in which he could finish his homework. When he came back to his dorm, the other marauders weren't in their beds.

 

Remus spent the next three days avoiding both the ginger girl and the Marauders, making the library, the dorm and the common room of limits. All along, Remus was not sure why he avoided them, it wasn't because of him really, but he felt that they just needed some time and space. And of course, he enjoyed being alone and not having to deal with the teenage drama they transpired. Also, he did not have to go through stretches to do it, since his timetable was packed not only with his classes and homework, but also with Prefect' duties (constructed so that he was sharing them with a calm and well-read Ravenclaw, who liked talking about ancient runes and muggle archaeology) and his off-curriculum research work for McGonagall (that wasn't secret but they liked to keep it to themselves in order to not have rumours about favouritism).

It was James, who first sought him out.

"Hiya Moony, still avoiding the drama?"

"Sorry James, wait … what did Sirius tell you?"

James did not address the question, but settled down next to him and sighed: "I know that Sirius can be a pain in the ass".

Remus just shrugged in response.

"And most of the time, he is a pain in his own ass"

Now he had Remus laughing. James was grinning, but underneath it was clear that he came to talk and not to joke. Although James and Sirius shared their love of Quidditch and mischief, it was often Remus kept them in balance. Sometimes Remus was wondering … if James and Sirius were best friends … what did this make Remus?

James took the chair next to him, sitting on it backwards and leaning on the backrest.

"I have to believe that Lily will come around"

Remus looked up, shocked how fast the conversation had turned serious. He wanted to say something, wanted to say, as always, that he was sure that she would, but James stopped him with a gesture.

"I need to believe that she will come around because it's not only that I have a mark that tells me she is my soulmate, but I can feel it. At first, it was just a slight tug, an invisible thread that pulled me towards her and it was all fun and games and we were too young to understand … but now I know that I will always love her and there is nothing she can do to stop it – but to know that she could feel the same … she would not even need to feel the same, but if only she could fancy me a little, that would be enough"

James wrapped his hands in his already messy hair and Remus looked at him touched.

He again wanted to say that he was certain that she would come around, but James stopped him from speaking again.

"So that's what I have told Sirius over Christmas and that's part of why he is so … so much these days. You know how his family is with this stuff and now with Narcissa and Malfoy… . I think he is unsure if he could ever settle for less than soulmates – you know he tends to be an "everything or nothing kind off guy". There was a pause and Remus was not sure if he was supposed to say something now, so he didn't. James had recovered from his serious face and released the Snitch he apparently had been holding for his whole speech: "And why are you not in the library?"

It was always hard not to mediate between James and Lily and Remus did not want to give too much away, but after this speech, he clearly was in debt to James, who had spoken so honestly about his feelings.

"Lily, she just is not really comfortable … with the whole soulmark topic"

James eyes widened: "But you did not tell her!", a shock going through him.

"No of course not, but she might has a hunch, I mean you really weren't that subtle in your first years".

James thoughts were drifting and he almost let the Snitch get away: "You know, as fun as it was, I wished I could all take it back".

 

**The Most Noble House of Black_**

 

On Saturday morning Remus woke up from the sound of his curtains being drawn back.

"Sorry I kissed you"

"Sorry I called you a whore"

It was never hard to make up with Sirius since both off them hated fighting with each other. They knew that it had been about nothing, about nothing they could change anyways and so it was that Sirius now moved to hug his best friend. Remus let him, the body of the other boy pressed to his' for only a second before they broke apart again when James and Peter entered the dorm room.

"We thought a secluded breakfast is in order", with this they placed the floating plates on the floor.

Remus' stomach was growling at the sight and he happily sat on the floor. After finishing the plates and having a go on a giant piece of cake that Peter had smuggled in his pyjamas, Remus felt comfortable to address something that had been on his mind since James came through to him. "I know that it might be none of my business, but it kind of is marauder business and I think we should … I should try to be more open to the whole soulmark conquering and finding thing – if that is what you want from me."

James and Sirius looked at him in uncertainty.

"I mean if you still want my help with that".

The looks puzzled him, wasn't that why James had talked with him in the first place?

So, unsure how to go from this, Remus looked at Peter, who was stuck in-between eating his second helping of pudding and checking for the reaction of the others.

"Oh Moons", James of course was known for his love of great gestures and he was on his feet to embrace Remus: "So you will finally are ready to by my secret agent of love affairs?"

"What? No!", for Remus, this conclusion came out of nowhere.

"I will do what I do best, research that is, without breaking the confidentiality I owe to Lily"

James let go of him, shrugged: "It's the next best thing you can do!"

Sirius had been very quiet during all of his, but he now addressed Remus directly: "Remus, it's not really that big of a deal…" and then "okay thanks!" and then "but no researching behind our backs, I hate it when you get that expression of an all-knowing old man?"

"I thought you like my face?!", it was a joke meant to be made by someone else, but Remus could not stop him to say it out loud. Sirius just smirked in response.

"So where do we start?", James asked suspiciously.

Remus already had a plan: "I thought Peter never finished the tale of Malfoy's bare chest and Narcissa fulfilling the Black tradition of getting engaged to a douchebag" (he was very glad he did not blush at the word ‘chest').

Sirius shifted on his seat, clearly not comfortable with the idea, but he did not say anything.

 

Peter was no used to being asked to tell something, with all of the marauders carefully listening so he did not start where he had left off, but again at the beginning. "So, he had his shirt off for all of the ceremony, although not necessary and it was just really annoying …and don't get me starting on the date. Halloween! I mean that is just so cheesy. It's just rude!"

Remus, although very skeptical to begin with, had listened very carefully to catch even the smallest of hints regarding anything helpful, but know he was just stuck on one word "Halloween".

"WAIT, WHAT?"

"Yes that's what I thought"

"No Peter- Halloween?", Remus must have misheard.

"Yes, they said that it was because they went to visit her sister in London and it emerged simultaneously when Lucius discussed his promotion and she 'applauded him dearly'"

Sirius snorted in response.

But Remus asked again: "On Halloween- last Halloween?"

The chubby boy nodded, wondering if he now would be allowed to finish his story.

"And their dates matched?"

Peter nodded again.

Sirius let out an even deeper snort that before.

Peter, at this point, munching away at a bar of chocolate, drippled question marks.

"They lied!", Remus let out his realisation with a warm gash of air.

"Surprise, surprise", Sirius sarcasm, nevertheless was covered in a mumble.

Remus' eyes darted at his friend. "You knew?"

"That the Black family forges their soulmarks, since generations probably, to parade them at engagement parties of semi-forced, arranged child marriages? Yes … I knew", his voice full of anger, defeat, and shame.

Peter's eyes, him having no clue what he just heard, oscillated between his two arguing friends.

But the first to ask a question was James: "What did I just miss?"

 

It was clear that Sirius was not going to answer and so Remus explained his side of the story: "I was in the hospital wing last Halloween and so was Narcissa. She had wanted to transform her face for her costume and her nose had fallen off. I thought it rather suited her, but of course, I was just able to see her because of my … eyes."

James finally let go off his plate, leaving a piece of cake: "Of course that was the optimal excuse! She would not have told anyone about her embarrassing lack of transformation skills!" For him, it was another mystery solved, a wonderful piece of gossip.

 

Sirius' was mumbling again: "Yeahi! Another grotesque detail of the Black family revealed to Gryffindor tower. We do not only behead our house elves and torture our children, but we also force them to marry their cousins, selling it as being destiny!"

The, of course, were used to Sirius painting his family, well, black. But there was always a certain amount of disturbing truth within: "'Toujours pure' more like 'toujour ruining people's lives to stay in power and conform to made-believe magical hierarchies - they just lie to uphold the bloody reputation".

"Since when do you know?", Remus question wasn't harsh, it was meant to encourage Sirius to talk openly and without the cover of sarcasm or shame.

"Mother made her ultimatum very clear last summer. Because of my recent outbreaks, I was to be engaged or disinherited, so I chose the later."

James could not face his friend, his own soulmark burning uncomfortably under his sweater. Peter just sat there, mouth open, and Remus asked what the three of them were thinking: "Why didn't you tell us?"

Remus was watching his friend spiraling into a void of disillusion. "I need some fresh air".

Before anyone could stop him, Sirius had grabbed his leather jacket and was out of the room, his loud, angry steps echoing on the wooden staircase. James woke up of his trance and made a move to follow him, but Remus was on his feet: "No bad feelings James, but I don't think that you and your shiny dated ribcage are of much help there".

James sighed: "It's not like I get anything out of it". But he understood and settled back to sit on his bed, grabbing the chocolate bar from Peter.

Remus had taken the map and spotted Sirius instantly. He caught up with his friend and fell into his fast trot. Sirius did not acknowledge him being there. He was in one of his moods. Remus had gotten to know this kind of aggressive silence in the boy and knew it was best to leave him until he was ready to talk again. But when they reached the lake he could no longer stand it.

"Sirius?"

There still was no sign that his friend was aware of his presence. But he stopped and sleighed down to the snow-covered ground.

"You wanna be alone?", it was a messy attempt to get his attention.

"No, otherwise I would have taken the map and the cloak".

"I would have still been able to follow your scent"

"Yes, it seems as I can get away with anything"

"Why didn't you tell us?", Remus sat close the other boy, knowing that his wolf-blood radiated enough warmth for both of them.

Sirius did not look at him, but he started talking and Remus could hear that the words had been waiting for a long time to surface: "I was ashamed, I was ashamed because for one second I thought that when I say yes I could belong again, that they would be proud of me… I thought I left that behind a long time ago but it seems like I truly can't get away…"

"But you got away from them", Remus emphasized the last word.

"You don't get it, Remus, do you? Whatever I do I can't get away from them! They lied to everyone and they just keep on lying and I will never get away from them because I am part of their scheme! Expelling me from the family is the best thing they could do to uphold their reputation. I am the best example of what happens when you don't conform and that will keep the others in line."

Remus did not know what to reply.

"Narcissa grew up believing she will find her perfect pureblooded soulmate and be happy forever and they made her act against it. They made her choose the family over her happiness. And it was not just her … ."

In his voice was defeat: "All along I knew that they were horrible people but I always thought that they at least like it. That at least they found each other. That at least they have their soulmates to share their hate. That my parents had me because they loved each other - in a sick way but still..."

Remus knew there was no point in arguing the possibility that they (or any other Black couple arranged to marry) still were soulmates because at this point nobody could really know.

"So what are you going to do about it?"

The question hit Sirius by surprise.

"Remus, I can't do anything about it! I thought escaping my family was a matter of just being different of not following their footsteps towards doom. But now I am certain ..."

Remus was sure he could not follow.

"Whaaa-"

"The Blacks are not capable of love, not like normal people!", Sirius buried his face in his knees.

"You were right, it is a curse …."

He tilted his head and his stormy eyes widened before closing shut. *mumble mumble*

"What?", Remus got no reply and tried it a second time, softer: "what?"

Sirius let out a heavy sigh: "Lily will come around and she and James get married and move into a city house and plant pumpkins and ginger children. Peter will just marry and might find some happiness crawling under the orders of a fiery dame. You will find someone that is smart and calm and can BAKE. And then I will be alone and have no one, no family and no dorm and no Moony to talk to".

Now, this was definitely not the time to laugh but Remus could do nothing else, otherwise, he would have been just angry.

"I am a fucking werewolf! You think you have worse prospects of finding a soulmate, a partner even, than a half-blood turning mayhem, with no interest in sex?"

"Oh Moony... don't be ridiculous of course you are interested in sex!"

Now, this was the time to get angry.

"I can decide very well on my own if I am interested in sex, Sirius Black", he spat out his name and immediately regretted it.

 

There was only silence left to fill the vacuum between them. Remus cursed himself of getting so caught up in his own feelings. This wasn't about him. So he tried again: "So, what are you going to do?"

"Well the original plan was to find an as-much-not-Black-as-possible soulmate as soon as possible, just to spite my parents of course, but it turns out snogging doesn't do the trick! And I really don't even like most of the girls", he was quiet again.

"For the time being, you could settle for an as-much-not-Black-as-possible friend", Sirius tried a smile, but Remus could sense that there was something else, something that lingered in the air between them.

"Moony, do you think it is possible to fancy someone without having a soulmark for them?"

"Of course I do", even Remus was surprised at how confident his answer sounded. "You know that muggles can't have it – and they still love, so …"

"You think it is worth taking the risk…"

Remus instantly knew what his friend was trying to ask… if it was worth the risk of spending time with someone you liked, not knowing if you were destined to be together and thereby opening up the possibility of either of them getting hurt when a soulmate emerged for one of them… .

"I think without taking the risk you will never know … ", again, his answer came out much more confident than he was.

"Monny, are you really not interested in sex?"

"I don't know Sirius, it might be a teenage werewolf thing …"

They were silent for a minute, just watching the lake breathe: "Last moon was pretty bad?"

Remus shrugged. They did not talk about it very often. At first, when the boys had found out, they, of course, had wanted to know everything. But Remus made it very clear that he did not want to talk about it just to satisfy their curiosity. He did not like feeling like a curiosity, a specimen, an abomination. But he could always talk with Sirius.

"Yeah, I guess it was pretty bad"

Remus traced his face, where underneath the glammer his scars were much deeper and more gruesome then they looked with the magic cover.

"Why do you think is it getting worse?", the boy's question was cautious, his voice gentle.

Remus sighed, he did not want to articulate his dark thoughts, that the wolf was lonely, that he craved the company of his monstrous kin; that the monster inside him desired a hunt, a kill, something while living for. "I don't know, Sirius", his answer came out as a whisper, a soft shiver to cover up his thoughts.

Sirius ruffled through Remus' hair and then got up: "Let's see if Peter left some of the cake".

 

 

**The Queen of Hearts_**

 

Making up with Sirius was one thing, but trying to make up with Lily was something else altogether. Following his declaration of dedication to the soulmate cause, Remus was not only trying to make it up to Lily as her friend but also because he truly wanted to see if there was a chance for James. With this prospect, the Marauders made sure he would spend a lot of time with her, making excuses why he couldn't spend it with them along the way.

 

Lily made it quite obvious that this was not about Remus making excuses for how he acted. They had been friends since their first year in Hogwarts, bonding over their shared dedication to wizard history, muggle folklore and a curiosity for ancient languages. But apart from this, they had formed a friendship that was by every standard quite extraordinary. Remus knew about her muggle family and her sister, which was unhappy with the life choices of her witch-sister, but also kind of jealous; about her childhood friendship with Snape and how she tried not to see how much he had changed since coming to Hogwarts. Lily knew about Remus ‘furry little problem', had been the first of his friends to find out, but had never given him the feeling of being less of a wizard because of it. She did not pity him either, a quality that Remus admired about her.

It even had come to the point, last year, that Lily had felt the need to tell him that they were just friends. Something that Remus only could agree to whole-heartedly. "Oi, thanks Godric", that had been Lily's exact word: "I could not deal with another one". This had Remus made smile, but he also had felt that there was a little more to it. So, in order to make up with the fire-head, Remus the only thing, he knew Lily could not resist – he left it up to her.

 

She was at her usual spot in the library, studying together with Marlene, one of her dorm mates and one of the girls quite ok with Remus being part of their study group. But not this day, since Lily had obviously told her about her outfall with the boy.

"She is not talking to you, Remus", Marlene was one of those girls how went through fire just to protect their friends, truly admirable and kind of like James when you thought about it.

"Yes, I know, I just… Lily?" Reluctantly, the girl raised her eyes from the pages in front of her. "I just came to tell you that I know I messed up and if you want to talk I will be over on the other side" – Remus pointed towards the bookshelf that divided the workstations. Marlene eyed Remus suspiciously, knowing that this would do the trick with Lily.

 

She left him to stew for some hours, something he did not really notice though because he was reading about magical hieroglyphs and totally absorbed by the book.

"I was looking for that book", Lily's voice made him snap back.

"You should have known that I have it"

"I did"

"Hmm… you know me too well…"

"Yes, and you know me too well … ‘I'm over there if you want to talk' … so mature Mr. Lupin"

"Yes, I have been told I have the charm of a 150-year-old Librarian"

"Yeah, I know … you were told that by me"

"Was that before or after we established that I don't want to get in your knickers?"

"I think it was exactly after that".

They both were smiling now, sure about that they could go on, but unsure how what would follow.

"So, you are not going to say that you are sorry?"

"I am sorry, Lily"

"No more soulmark talk! Okay?"

"Okay…", Remus agreed although this would mean that he could not tell her about Sirius, not right away at least.

"Ok, you wanna sit with us? Marlene would love it!", Remus could hear the dangerous undertone in it.

"If this is the punishment you see fit", grabbing this stuff he followed Lily to their table, Marlene already making space for him next to her.

Not 10 minutes past when Lily jumped up in a faked hurry, "Oh no! I forgot that I have to post this really important letter! Oh dears, please can you watch my stuff while I hurry away – okay bye", with a grin towards Remus, she was already out of sight, all her books, homework and quills spilled on the length of two tables.

 

"Oh, what a pity she normally is always so thoughtful…", Marlene was leaning closer to Remus, "I guess we are stuck here until she comes back". First of all, Remus could not believe that Lily would do that to him, second, he could not understand how even Marlene, one of the toughest girls he knew (fierce Quidditch player and infamous for her leg binding spell) could turn on the flirt mode like this. Clearly, they must have planned this and it was a punishment after all. Only, Marlene did not know that or even worse, she did not mind.

"So, Remus … how is the marauding life?", Marlene was purring in his ear, "Is it true that you and Black have a secret hide-and-seek going on?" Ok, she definitely knew that this was about punishment; the boyfriend joke was almost a brand mark of Lily's.

Remus' cheeks flamed up. He was almost going to retreat immediately or maybe just pretending that he had gone deft, but then another option came to his mind. If there was ever a chance to get some insights on Lily, without having their compliance to worry about, this was it.

Remus drew a deep breath, channeling every piece of Sirius drama-acting he had ever witnessed and turned to face Marlene: "You know I do not really mind Lily storming away when you stay to keep me company".

Now it was Marlene's time to blush. But she was not to be thrown off so fast: "Yeah? Well it seems you are full of surprises", Remus thought this was the understatement of the century, but still played along: "You girls and all your mysteries, you have to talk". Marlene smiled, her fingers now up to Remus' chin, brushing one of the scars that were embedded behind a glammer.

Remus was panicking a little, not knowing how he could go around the touching and getting more of the talking. "I just don't know how you girls do it – having to deal with all those feelings, the pressure, the stupidness of teenage boys… "

"Well aren't you a teenage, feminist activist?"

Remus was not sure if Marlene was teasing or flirting, or both.

Her eyes were locked on his lips.

"I just don't …", but before he could finish his sentence Marlene had already leaned into him. The second her lips met his, Remus heard someone yell his name: "What the fuck REMUS?"

Without looking back to Marlene, Remus grabbed his stuff and run after Sirius, passing Lily who was cramping with laughter.

"Stop running away from me, it was not what it seemed!"

Sirius swept around, his face an unlikely colour of pink: "You told me you are not interested in sex! And now I find you snogging McKinnon!"

Remus was a little out of breath from all the running but he still managed to answer: "I did not snog her – she kissed me! I was trying to get some information on Lily from her"

"And so you prostituted yourself?"

"I didn't prostitute myself!", that really was a bit much… .

"You let her kiss you - although you did not want to kiss her"

"Well this happens to me"

This made Sirius shut up.

"What is it to you anyway?"

Sirius shrugged: "You don't have to lie to me that's all."

"I didn't"

"Okay", there was a small pause of semi-awkward silence. "So did you find out anything?"

"No, I just confirmed that Lily Evans has a cruel taste for revenge"

Both of them were grinning now.

"So at least she will be your friend again".

"Oh I must hope so, I would not want her as an enemy".

Together they walked back to the library, where Remus had left half of his belongings when storming after Sirius and they found Marlene and Lily still drying the tears they had laughed.

 

 

**Snape's Worst Memory_**

Ever since the kissing incident, everything was back to normal, better than normal as far as Remus Lupin was concerned. Of course, the last full moons had been pretty bad, but nothing compared to the one over Christmas, and there were at least no new scars to areas that he could not cover up, and he had not missed too many of his classes, his friends bringing him the homework assignments to the hospital wing. Sirius even stayed a bit to read to him when he was too tired to do it by himself. Although his taste in reading material – mostly some one-pound muggle fantasy booklets, the raven-haired boy found to be hilarious - were open for debate.

Lily and he were talking, studying together like nothing had happened between them. Both just fine with going along, as long as the s-word was not mentioned.

James had drawn from the lesson as well, coming to the conclusion that there was really nothing he could do to force the red-haired girl to care about him. His new mantra was: "She just needs to see that I have grown up". But one thing that even contributed more to Remus' life quality, and he hadn't even known that it had bothered him that much, was that Sirius had declared an end to his ‘flirting extravaganza' and was just happily content with spending time with his fellow marauders, planning pranks on the Slytherins every so often and sneaking into the kitchens to release the house elves of the chocolate cakes Remus was so fond off.

 

Remus was not very keen on celebrating his birthday, and he had managed to convince them to have a quiet evening with cake and a muggle board game his mother had sent. But James was an only child and heir to a pureblood magic household, and therefore used to his birthday being more of a deal. So, on the night of the 27th of March, James 16th birthday, the marauders were finding themselves in the secret tunnel to Hogsmead. Remus had reluctantly given into Sirius idea to get drinks in the infamous Hogshead, a pub frequented by obscure wizard folk and magical creatures of all kinds. "We will fit right in", was everything Sirius had said to challenge his concerns. So there they were, Sirius and James already tipsy, Peter completely wasted because he wanted to keep up with them, and Remus not even feeling a little drunk, his werewolf metabolism seemingly alcohol proof. When Sirius returned with another round, Remus carefully swapping Peters firewhisky with tonic, James cleared his throat: "It's my birthday…"

"… and I cry if I want to", Sirius was singing along, but Remus shushed him.

James cleared his throat again: "It's my 16th birthday and I want to say something".

There was a pause, not because of drama really, but because he had swung his class with a little too much sass' and spilled firewhisky on his shirt.

"It's my 16th birthday and I decided to write a letter to Lily", he took another sip .." write a letter to Lily to apologise for my behaviour when I was much younger and childish and not the responsible adult I am today".

Sirius could not stop himself from laughing, looking at his best friend, a drunken teenage fool.

"I am serious!"

"No, I am Sirius!"

James eyes beamed and Remus had to get between the two off them in order to prevent James from throwing a punch. Making Sirius laugh even louder.

"Sirius, come on stop"

He tried, he really tried.

Next, Remus felt pressured, as the only sober person in the round (Peter was already snoring covered with his jacket) to say something in the line of constructive criticism: "James, maybe it would be best to not make decisions while you are a little tipsy"

James looked at him surprised: "I didn't, I posted the letter this morning".

Sirius abruptly stopped his last behind-his-hand-giggling and swung his arm around Remus and James: "Good for you mate! I admire your honesty and that you do you deem necessary! Isn't that right Remus?".

Remus had buried his hands in his face, breathing in the bars odour of firewhisky and teenage hormones: "Ok that's enough we go home now!"

 

The others followed him out of the bar, Peter half carried by Remus, Sirius still congratulating James on his bold move. Remus had a headache, so maybe the wolf just digested the alcohol but left the hang-over all to the human part of his body. It all had been good, everything had been back to normal and now James came along with such an idea, it was clear why he hadn't had askes Remus about his advice first, he would have never approved of this.

 

Getting the boys into the dorm was no easy thing, but once there, Peter immediately crushed onto his bed. James was pulling his pyjama top the wrong way round over his head, still mumbling something about Lily. Sirius had stripped completely, now searching for his pyjama bottoms. Peter let out a slight whimper and Remus went into the bathroom to get a decent sized bucket to place next to the boy's bed. When he turned around, he found that Sirius had collapsed not onto his own bead, but was lying in Remus', at least he had first found his pyjama. James was already snoring and Remus called "nox" before turning to Sirius' bed, not at all happy with the prospects of having to sleep in this crumbly mess, but even more so terrified of the other option.

 

Remus was out of the dorm as soon the sun was up and he was sure to get some Saturday breakfast. The other Marauders were still very much asleep. He thought about bringing back some toast for them, but he did not want to play house elf and reward their lack of restraint.

Not enjoying the idea of having to retreat into Sirius bed to read (which he was sure of was not only full of crumples), was only outmatched by the horror of the possibility to walk into Lily literally anywhere else in the castle; so he decided to choose the only other option. Waking Sirius was a science by itself, and something Remus was very proud of having mastered. But he had never dealt with a hungover Sirius Black before. No amount of tickling, boxing, and whispers telling of coffee and beans on toast would do the trick. Normally he would have resorted to extreme loud means, but he could not bring it over himself to also wake James and most of all Peter. So as a last resort he stroked his cheek, whispering: "If you don't go to your own bed, I am going to show them your baby pictures". Sirius opened his eyes, blinking at Remus: "what do you mean, I was an adorable child" and was off again.

There was nothing else he could do than to shove Sirius a little and take up the free space as his own. The levitating book, equipped with a self-page-turning-spell left his lap free for a hot cup of black coffee. His eyes fixed on the page he lifted the cup to his lips, gently slipping without getting burned.

"That smells nice", without asking Sirius shifted to place his head in Remus lap, half asleep sniffing the coffee filled air. Curiously Remus looked down on his friend, suddenly wondering if that was a moment in which a normal boy would fall in love with his best friend.

 

Once awake, James was surprisingly fit and (without commenting on Sirius still sleeping in Remus lab) persuaded all of them to grab some breakfast and take it down to the lake. It was a nice and sunny spring day, the first of the season, and many of the other students had had the same idea. They settled under one of the big lime trees that were so old and full of magic that they forgot to lose their leaves in autumn. James seemed very pleased with himself and Remus was sure that it wasn't just because they had successfully snug out of Hogwarts to get drunk, although this definitely would encourage James and Sirius to make it a regular marauder thing, but that it had to do with a specific letter posted yesterday around this time. James smug face was screaming hopes and dreams.

Remus had agreed to come with them, only under the condition that he could bring his book and he tried to make a point of reading it, even if he was slightly distracted by the fact that since he had not argued against it earlier today, Sirius had settled his head in his lab again.

Peter was still pretty green around his eyes, but after a cup of black tea and some eggs on toast, he seemed to gain his normal colour back. "You guys, I swear I almost …" he trailed off under the stern looks of both James and Sirius "… ahmmm I almost puked!" Remus was looking up, a second short and did not get to see the intervention his friends had managed to cause with their eyes. "Peter, you did puke", Remus had not forgotten.

"Yeah, I know, but only a little"

Remus thought that this clearly was an understatement but just went back to reading.

 

He must have been totally absorbed by the ancient runes in front of him, for he was only ripped away from it when Sirius suddenly jumped out of his lab.

"Leave her alone, Potter! This is the last warning!", Snaps voice carried over to Remus before he saw him. The greased-hair boy held out his wand, ready for dueling, his knuckles white with rage. "She does not want you or your kind! She wants to be with me and no other!"

"I don't think he liked your letter – do you, James?", Sirius, standing shoulder to shoulder with his best friend, his wand pointed on the Slytherin before him, was just fuelling Snape's anger. His eyes darting at him, gleaming ‘give me a reason- just give me a reason'. They looked like two sides of the same coin, James calm and restraint, Sirius ready to jump at the slightest hint.

James was not addressing his friend, but he did not sound concerned over the boy's threat either: "Why don't you let her speak for herself for a change! Afraid that she says something you don't want to hear? Afraid that she would choose me over you?" His head nodding behind Snape, where Remus could make out Lily sprinting towards them, she was clearly angry, yelling even, but too far away for the others to hear.

Snape's face turned a shade of angry pink: "As she would fall for a Snob like you! You and your kind will be replaced by much more greatness", he spat out the words like venom and it gave Remus a chill.

"What's the matter Snape, I thought you freaks like purebloods?", Remus was on Sirius side now, his wand effortless tangling from his hand.

"Black, you better train your filthy pet to not address a wizard!"

 

"Levicorpus", before Remus could react, Sirius had already thrown the curse. Lily had been there just in time to get hold of Snape's hand, but he was lifted up in the air, upside-down, his ankles held in place by invisible forces. He was trying to pull his robes upwards, but there was no use. With big eyes, the Marauders were staring at the date inked to the Slytherin's skin, just above his trousers waistband. Lily's eyes followed theirs, just to jump back, and turning to the three boys in front of her, all of them with their wands still ready to shoot another curse. Her eyes were pleading as her arm was pulling on Severus'.

"SECTUMSEMPRA", Snape's full-blown curse was followed by a scream.

Remus was thrown off his feet by the impact of the hex, he felt a gush of foreign blood on his skin. Sirius' blood, it must have been Sirius'. With the wizard who cast the spell unconscious, Snape landed on his feet, grabbing Lily on her wrist.

"Let go of me, Severus!", her voice high pitched, but otherwise firm and steady.

"You could be safe with me"

Lily looked at him stern, her hands still fighting off his grip: "You are mad, Severus"

"Suit yourself, you mud-blood traitor", with this the slim boy took of, sprinting towards the forbidden forest.

Remus was dizzy, dizzy from the blow, but even more so from the scent of his friend's blood on his skin and robes.

 

Suddenly Lily was behind him, shushing him away and bowing over Sirius motionless body. Tracing her wand over the wounds she whispered an incarnation that soundly vaguely familiar to Remus, a healing spell. "Peter!", her yell was demanding and harsh: "Get Madame Pomfrey"

 

Where was Peter? Remus wolf eyes, normally fast and focused searched around, just to find his chubby dorm colleague peeping out from behind the lime tree. He was safe, that's what mattered. Following Lily's command, he sprinted, as fast as his fat legs allowed it, towards the castle.

Getting hold of his own wand, Remus moved towards Lily, wanting to help, waiting to hear her commands. Lily looked at him, calm as ever when concentrated at a task. "Remus, you better cover your face… the curse removed the glammer". In shock, Remus drew his robe's hood over his scarred skin, unable to move for a moment, thinking: "I must run … nobody can see me like this".

But then he heard a gasp out of Sirius' mouth and was at his side immediately, his scarred face inches away from the boy's silver eyes: "Oh Moony, how beautiful you are"- he was smiling and then closing his eyes again, again unconscious.

With the same dedication Lily had performed the healing spells on Sirius, she was now leaning over James. There were no open wounds, and it only took her a second to bring him back to consciousness: "Hiya, Evans", he panted under pain.

She did not respond, but rather roughly resumed to poke chest with her wand, holding his head down with the other hand.

"I am sorry, Evans", he tried to shift his head under her pressure.

"Stop moving, you are bleeding internally".

He immediately stopped tilting his head: "I am sorry, Lily", it only came out as a whisper now.

"Don't! You are as bad as he is …"

"What I would never use dark magi---"

But she didn't mean that, and he understood that right away as her wand was placed on his skin to fix his broken ribs.

 

 

**The Fifth Marauder_**

 

None of them told McGonagall what had happened, not even when she made her threats true and took away Remus' Prefect page and degraded James from his position as Quidditch team captain.

"She will come around", Sirius insisted on this, "She likes Gryffindor winning as much as you do, James".

James sighed, he knew she would, but this made Marlene being Captain not much more bearable: "This girl is completely nuts! She puts everyone in danger with her completely recklessness". Hearing that out of James' mouth made Remus think, that at least his friends had learned a lesson. But of course, there was another reason for James change in tone – Lily. The ginger-haired girl would have never admitted to it in the open, but she was impressed with the boy's not telling on Snape. Of course, she would never forgive him, and that was enough as far as the Marauders, and especially James, were concerned.

 

Maybe the change came overnight or maybe Remus was just so used to hanging out with the girl by himself, but there she was. Sirius and her talking Defence Against the Dark Arts, Sirius' silver eyes full of appreciation for her take on the Reducto curse, leaving the object, not in small pieces but sand as fine as dust. Peter and her talking chess, her trying to persuade him to try her muggle set: "But how do you play?" – "You just move them" – "What? With my hand? That's madness". James and her talking, which was the weirdest thing about all of it.

 

"Hiya, Lily", Remus had found his friend sitting in the library on their old table, that was now quite often shared with the marauders, or better with James (who was thrilled to spend time with Lily) and Peter (who was thrilled by Lily rewrites of his essays) and occasionally Sirius, who found that the library was quite the bore but was thrilled to disturb them.

"Hiya, Moony", she had caught up with his marauder-nickname "What's up?"

Remus took the seat next to her. Although none of the other students seemed interested in their conversation, for now, you could never know who listened in.

"I heard you agreed to go on a date with James?"

Lily's cheeks instantly flamed up: "Who called it a date? I just allowed him to go on rounds with me!"

But saying this she could not face Remus.

"It's just … we never talked about it…"

"What? I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I said ‘We are just friends'" and then you said ‘Oh my God yes! Sorry, Lils, but everything else would be just grotesque' and then I said …"

‘Oi, thanks Godric … I could not deal with another one…. But also you have the charm of a 150-year-old Librarian …' yes, Lily but that is not the conversation I was referring to … although it includes an interesting aspect as a matter of fact".

Lily curled her brows.

"You don't want to talk about it?"

She squinted her eyes shut in response and then slowly opened just one of them: "Do we have to?"

Remus sighed: "I think so, yes"

"Okay, then let's get it over with, but not here. I need something strong to hold onto"

 

"FIREWISKEY? MISS PREFECT!"

They were sitting on the floor of the Prefect's bathroom and Lily just had retrieved the bottle from her locker.

"What oh don't act so shocked! A girl has aces up her sleeve"

She conjured two glasses out of fin air.

"These are sherry glasses", Remus remark was met by Lily making a face that looked like she had bitten in a goblin flavoured Bertie Botts. She vanished one of them again: "Well then you can conjure your own glass".

"So, you just here to drink my booze and insult my charm work?" Lily had downed already one of her small glasses, "or you want to talk?".

Remus, already on his second (slightly chipped) glass looked at Lily suspiciously: "We never talked about the day down at the lake…" his words came out as a sigh.

Lily snorted and filled herself another glass. Remus had never seen her drink that fast, but it was sure something she wasn't a complete stranger to.

She took another sip of the burning liquor and let out a sharp "Puh", followed by "Okay I will talk and then you will talk and when it's over go back to studying for our NEWTS. Okay, where do I begin… . Okay, okay"… she drew a deep breath and then let it out: "IknewaboutSeverusmark". Remus looked at her surprised, not because of the reveal but because Lily had managed to do it so fast without a whole introduction and a lot of talking around the subject.

 

"He showed it to me before we came to Hogwarts and I knew that whatever will happen I would be safe, because he was my friend, and I decided that there was nothing that could divide us, not our houses, not friends, not ideologies and I was wrong – I just was SO WRONG … but I could not see it, I did just not want to see it and everybody told me, but I just… I couldn't and I just could not give him what he wanted", she sat up a little straighter and emptied her glass and sighed. "And then he found the letter and everything went to shit and now we are here … not quite the happy fairy tale you would imagine for a magical castle like this….".

"Not James?", Remus question lingered in the air for a bit and he wasn't sure if Lily was ready to pick it up.

"Not James!", her answer was simple but clear.

She sighed and went on: "The most thing I know about James Potter for sure is that he adores Quidditch, that's like his signature characteristic. It's ridiculous", Lily was pouring herself another drink with one hand, the other grabbing two packages of crisps out of her bag, throwing one over to Remus. "And then there he stands and McGonagall goes wild, I mean WILD, telling him that he will no longer be Captain and he is like OKAY with that" she looked at Remus wide-eyed and he could not stop himself from raising his eyebrows. "Okay, he is not OKAY with that… but he knows that she will come around and you know the funny thing … we all know she will and it's just ridiculous how he is so sure of everything."

"Like he is so sure that you are his soulmate?"

"Yes, exactly."

Remus had her cornered but she did not even mind, now that she started talking about it she could not be stopped.

"I mean have you ever seen his face when he is like that? He is like: ‘Yeah, I know it might look bad but this will all be alright because I'm the most positive person ever and you guys just hang onto me and we will make it".

Remus could not stop himself from laughing: "I mean, yes, that pretty much is him".

Lily tried to smile, but the rush of her confession had left her a little calmer: "As much as I wanted to be Severus' soulmate, to hang onto my childhood friend, as much James was a reminder that maybe I wasn't. As much as he tried to get my attention, as much as he stayed positive, even when he finally left me some space, it all was wrong, it all was something that reminded me …" she had lost her train of thought … "nevermind". She gulped down the last bit of fire whiskey and turned to one of the taps for some cold water.

 

Remus was resting his hand against his chin, waiting if Lily was finished or if there would be another avalanche of thoughts. But she just opened her bag of crips, munching away. "So now you go on a date with James?"

"I told you, it isn't a date!"

"Yeah, you are allowing him to accompany you on your rounds… what are you trying to do? Campaign him for Headboy?"

"You know … I thought about that"

"Lily, what has gotten into you? You can't be – sincere!"

Lily was running her hand through her hair.

"Okay Remus, you can't tell anyone! Not James, not Sirius! You can't even say it out loud or I will curse your tongue off"

Lily shifted next to him, bowing her head and pulling the collar down, there next to her ginger roots was a date marked in black cursive: 29.03.1976.

"Oh Fuck!"

"When did this happen?"

"I just told you!"

"What the fuckedy fuck fuck, Lily! James being okay-ish with giving up his position as Quidditch Captain in order to not corrupt his principles gave you a soulmark? Bloody hell, woman! Get yourself some standards"

"I know Remus, I am a sucker for principles … but also if you say this loud one more time your tongue is history"

Remus reached for the bottle, not even caring to use his glass anymore.

"Slowly Tiger!", Lily's warning was only met by a two-word response between long sips: "Wolf metabolism".

Remus had emptied the bottle to more than half and was feeling a little tingly in his cheeks.

"So what are you going to do?"

Lily sighed: "I don't know".

"You could just tell him?"

"He did not tell me. I found out because he almost got himself killed"

"You still could enchant his earmuffs to whisper your name?"

"Not constructive!", but she was still grinning from one ear to the other.

 

"How does it feel?", Remus had asked before he could think about it twice.

"Didn't James say?", Lily looked at her friend, suspicious but also curious.

"He said it is like an invisible thread connecting you with the other person, a pull, a tug"

"Yeah, I guess. It might be different from person to person. For me it's like a constant shiver when he is around, like a magnet that pulls me towards him", Remus thought about something Sirius had asked him.

"Is it like being in love with someone?"

"I don't know, I've never been in love before"

Remus sighed: "you just said ‘before'!

Lily let a small howl: "I knooow"

 

"Are you in love, Remus?"

For the werewolf boy the question came out of nowhere, he just bowed his head, his socks seemingly far more interesting than two seconds ago: "I could be I guess if I was normal. But no, nothing like that"

Lily looked at him, her eyes narrowed: "Maybe you will get there."

"Yeah, maybe"

The girl had nothing to add and Remus was thankful for that.

She stood up, retrieving the half-empty bottle of firewhisky and tucked it back into her locker, fishing out two small bottles and handing one to Remus: "This will make your head clear again – from Slughorn's personal stash", Remus' eyebrows formed a question mark. "He gives them out a Slugclub Parties so the other teachers do not find out that he is serving the strong stuff".

Baffled Remus smelled the green potion. "Tastes like Peppermint", Lily confirmed the probe of his fine nose and both of them downed the potion in one sip.

"Shit, I am late for rounds", Lily's eyes darted at the big clock above the changing booth.

"Yeah, don't keep your soulmate waiting", it was meant as a joke but came out a little too sincere.

"t h i s will not leave this bathroom!", Lily made Remus look her in her green eyes: "Promise!"

"I promise"

 

It had been some weeks since Lily had confessed to him, and Remus was sitting on his bed, enjoying his one free period per week, which he did not share with any of his dorm mates. He was comfortable reading about the magical creatures of Japan and their influence in modern politics, as an obviously outraged Sirius Black stormed into the room.

"Hey Sirius, how are you at this fine hour?"

"How long have you known?", he was practically yelling.

Remus sat straight, his poker face in perfect place: "I don't know what you are talking about".

But Sirius was pacing in front of his bed: "Oh don't ‘I don't know what you are talking about' me!" His hair was up in a ponytail and every time he flourished his hand, a strain of his hair came loose. Of course, Remus exactly knew the look and he knew there was nothing he could do to stop the cascade of words that would --- "Oh Sirius, can you show me this record you can't shut up about? … Sirius, I'm bored can we go to see Hagrid? … Oh, Sirius, look I found this odd textbook about magic and engines – do you mind reading through it if it is any good? … You gave me this record! You are never bored because then you read et voila this textbook was specially ordered! I found the receipt! So, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?"

It had not been the longest speech delivered to him by Sirius ever, not even close, so Remus really wasn't that impressed by it.

"You forgot the chocolate cake!"

"Well you always want chocolate cake, it's really hard to say if it also became a cover up for Lily having a s-o-u-l-m-a-r-k for James!".

"Are you sure you spelled that right?

"Spill the beans, werewolf boy or I‘ll bite you!", with this Sirius threw himself on top of Remus.

 

Before Remus could do anything, James came storming through the door – halfway tripping over the step. Sirius glared at him, giving him the ‘you disturbed a conversation look', but James did not notice: "She kissed me!"

"She what?!", Remus and Sirius yelled out at the same time.

"When?", Remus Poker face trembled.

"In the girl's bathroom, we checked …", he swallowed …"on something and then she kissed me"

"You went into a girls bathroom with Lily … to check on something….and she kissed you?", Remus sounded more than skeptical.

"Well, why linger on the specifics?!", Lily had entered the room unnoticed.

"Guys, can you maybe give us some privacy?", her eyes two big question marks.

"Sure, Lil'", Remus grabbed Sirius hand and they were out in a second before Sirius could make an inappropriate remark about leaving them unsupervised in a room with … beds.

Slowly they made their way down to the common room and settled on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

 

"So you think she is going to tell him?"

Well, there was no sense in hiding it from Sirius now: "I hope so".

Sirius grabbed his hand and did not let go until their friends came back down, both of them beaming and grinning like Cheshire cats.

Sirius Black, not big of a fan for his own family's traditions hugged both of them and declared that drinks were in order.

Remus, hugging each of them separately, knew that his concerns (tomorrow being a school day) would only fall on deaf ears, so he tried to prevent the worst by making sure that they would not end up in Hogsmead… "Prefect's bathroom?"

 

Peter, of course, had missed the whole excitement being stuck in his NEWTS course in goblin accounting, but he was filled in soon enough and point eight, at least 10 people were cramped around the giant bathtub of the prefects bathroom - the Prewett brothers had outdone themselves with the decoration and also were responsible for the never-ending supply on Butterbeer and some stronger stuff.

Sirius, of course, was the first to land himself in the water, without his shirt on you could see the relatively fresh scars against his skin.

"Hey, Remus…", Marlene was holding a fancy drink and placed herself next to him. "…Admiring your boyfriend from afar?" She smiled and Remus knew she was not being mean but it was just her way of getting a conversation going. "And you?", Remus smiled at her. The first girl he had ever kissed. She was really pretty and fierce and should this make him feel something special?

"I prefer Dorcas anytime", the dark Ravenclaw girl who was talking with Sirius felt their looks on her and winked at Marlene, giggling as Sirius grabbed her waist and pulled her under the water.

"Did you …" Remus did not have to finish the sentence.

"Remus, we live in dark times, we need the ones that we love around us …".

Sirius and Dorcas surfaced again, both of them gasping for air and still giggling.

Remus felt Marlene's hand on his shoulder – "come on, let's get some drinks".

 

**Coming Out of the Chage_**

 

By no later than the next weekend, Hogwarts was buzzing with the gossip of how James Potter, notorious prankster and (Ex) Quidditch Captain had finally been able to conquer Lily Evans, the most gifted witch of the school and up-runner for Hogwarts Head Girl.

 

"Today I heard one of the second year Hufflepuffs tell his friends that you tamed a unicorn so that she could ride on it", Peter was enjoying the gossip way too much. So was Sirius, who jumped right in: "That's nothing, I was told be a Ravenclaw girl that you spelled your dick to bring ‘everlasting magic'". This sent the whole table into fits of laughter. Remus was grinning into his breakfast porridge: "I think Dorcas and Marlene are heaving their fun with planting the most outrageous sex magic rumours". He found it was hilarious, but his friends were too occupied by being shocked to hear the word sex out of his mouth. "What I am not allowed to speak of such mundane things? Sex, shagging, fucking…" Lily could not stop laughing, but yelled: "Stop it, Remus, you will break Sirius". And really, from the look he was giving Remus, it was quite clear that he would not tolerate such behaviour in his friend: "When did you become such a pervert?"

"I guess you rub off".

Sirius poked his tongue out in response.

James was drawing Lily in a long kiss and whether it was to stop her from saying something or just because now he could, she allowed it.

Lily's and James' attention hurled up between them, Remus went back to his porridge.

 

"Remus?", Sirius whisper came close to his ear. The boy sitting next to him tugged at his sleeve. "There is a full moon coming up."

The werewolf boy looked at his friend in surprise.

"Yes, I am very much aware of this fact".

Although the Marauders always knew about the moon circle of course, in order to plan their marauding according to it, Remus tried not too much emphasising on the recurrence of him turning into a monster.

Sirius let go of his sleeve and carried on playing with Remus' hair.

"Just wanted to check, in case you have forgotten".

Remus snorted in response: "yeah, I always wonder when it comes to the point that I forget …"

His thoughts were trailing off, directly towards somewhere he doesn't want them to go.

It wasn't Sirius fault, he had not mentioned his recent nightmares to any of his friends. There just hadn't been time and he didn't want to disturb the new peace that had settled over his group of friends. Ever since the incident with Snape, he found himself waking up in the middle of the night, the smell of fresh blood in his nose, struggling to get away from the sheets damp with his sweat. More than once he had to get up to check on his fellow marauders sleeping. Peter peacefully curled up in a tight ball. James, who always slept sideways, cuddling around an invisible smaller body. Sirius, lying on his back, his messy hair spread around the pillow, growling in response of the sound. How could he tell his friends that he was dreaming of their death, probably of hurting them, quite possibly seeking to tear them apart?

"Moony?", his nickname out of the mouth of his best friend made Remus focus snap back to the breakfast table.

"Sorry, Sirius…what?"

The silver-eyed marauders looked him suspiciously.

"You just looked like you have seen a ghost?"

Remus tried to smile: "The ghost of your sexual frustration!"

"Oh, this was totally uncalled for", a genuine smile played on his lips: "I am saving up for the love of my life", his eyes sparkling.

"And the ladies of Hogwarts thank you for that!", Lily jumped to Remus' aid.

"Who said that it must be a Lady?", Sirius tilted his lips.

Lily's eyes widened, but of course, she was never short of a comeback either: "So you ARE saving up for the Moaning Myrtle"

"Technical still a girl, Evans", he countered, winking at her.

Remus downed the last of his tea and used the moment to get up: "Sorry guys, still have to do some research for McGonagall". The truth was he could not wait to get himself in front of the books again.

"Hey, Moons", Peter had recovered from his laughing, "Seven in our dorm, right?"

Remus had forgotten that they had made plans, but nodded in response: "Sure, Peter".

He grabbed his book bag and was off, but he still could make out James patting Peter on the shoulder: "Good thinking, Wormtail!"

Oh no, what had they planned now?

 

Remus had worked in McGonagall's office for all of the day, sorting through research papers and his personal notes. As so often, he did not go down for lunch but shared a few plates of sandwiches with the teacher.

Point seven he was in front of his dorm room, bracing himself for, what he thought would be a ridiculous pitch for a prank or the plan for another one of their parties.

He opened the door to find his friends in the middle of a discussion that immediately dried up.

"Hiya, Moons", Sirius was showing off one of his signature Black grins.

Remus let go of his book bad, placing it on his bed. The air around him was buzzing with the excitement of his friends. He had reckoned that Lily would also be there, but there was no sight of the redhead.

"Okay guys, spill!"

They clearly had decided beforehand who should do the talking and Sirius and Peter both were looking at James.

"Remus?", his voice a little to teasing for his taste.

"Yes, James?"

"Right", for a second Remus thought he would back down, but he was James Potter and he of course never would.

"Right, remember when we found out that you are a werewolf?"

He did not like the way this conversation was going.

"Yes"

"Right, yes and remember when asked you all these questions about … your condition".

Remus knew that it was a really bad thing when James wanted to sound diplomatic like that.

His face dropped.

"So, we did some research of our own. And we came to the conclusion that …, to put it like it is, we decided …"

Remus' eyes darted at the boy.

He sighed, channeling his Gryffindor bravery: "That we could become Animagi to spend the full moons with you".

Remus looked at him deadpanned: "What the fuck?"

It was clear, why it must have been James who told him from this outrageous idea. Would it have been Sirius, Remus would never have thought that James would allow it.

 

"No!", his answer was clear. "Even if you get the ministry to allow one of you to become an Animagi, once you are 17, even if you could do this kind of advanced magic, sorry but there is no way you get it done, even then there is no way I would allow for you to come near me at a full moon!"

James, tilted his head: "Well to put it more precise, we decided then, four years ago, to become unregistered Animagi and don't tell you…"

"YOU DID WHAT?"

 

Remus was on his feet, crossing the room in order to grab James shirt and shake some sense into him.

A mischievous smile appeared on the Gryffindor's face and with a snap of his wand, he turned into a giant stag, his anglers brushing against Peter's bedpost.

 

Remus was stricken back in surprise, landing his bottom on the hard wooden floor.

"Oh watch it Prongs!", Sirius was laughing behind him.

"WHAT THE FUCKKK!!!", Remus did not know whether to actually kill them or laugh.

With a pop, the stag disappeared and James again stood in the middle of the room, his hair messy as ever.

Remus usually definitely wasn't a person lost of words, but now he just kept on saying "fuck, fuckedy, fuck" and then: "HOW THE FUCKEDY FUCK DID YOU EVEN?"

Sirius, feeling confident that it was his turn to talk, casually leaned in from behind: "You are not the only one that is able of doing some research!"

"It took us longer than we thought it would", James jumped in.

"There, of course, is a reason why the process is supervised by the ministry", Sirius added, "basically we put the whole school in danger"

At this point, the boys were clearly just showing off.

Remus stunned, his eyes found Peter: "And you too?", normally when danger was involved Peter was the first to be alarmed.

"Oh, Wormtail is full of surprises!", Sirius voice somewhat strangely was full of appreciation for his friend.

Peter was smiling thankfully: "My father is not as protective of his restricted book section and the potions cabinet as Slughorn is. Actually, he was quite proud that I showed interest in the more spicy sides of magic", he giggled.

"Wormtail?!", Remus was not sure what the new nickname implied.

Pointing his wand to himself, Peter disappeared, or so thought Remus at first. A squeak emerged from the bedsheets that a second ago had been wrapped around the boy, a huge rat showing his head, before turning back to the chubby boy: "Comes in quite handy for pranks".

Remus had turned white. He was not sure what was worse, that his friends had gone through these lengths to find a solution to the wolf's solitude, that they had put the whole school and themselves in danger over a hunch, or that he knew that he could never allow them to put their new abilities into use, not like they wanted.

 

"It's okay, Remus", Sirius' hands were on his shoulders, stabilizing him from behind.

"IT'S NOT OKAY", Remus was screaming, his voice carrying through the small room. He leaped to his feet, shaking of Sirius: "WHAT DID YOU THINK? YOU PUT THE WHOLE SCHOOL IN DANGER! AND YOURSELF AND YOUR FUTURE! YOU COULD GO TO AZKABAN FOR THIS"

The boys looked at his outburst uneasy. Peter shivered: "Lily said he would not take it very good!"

"LILY KNOWS ABOUT THIS?"

Remus had to grip onto a bedpost in order not to faint: "AND SHE ALLOWED IT?"

James seemed quite small all of the sudden: "yeah, she kind of helped"

"FUCK YOU!", Remus was ready to storm out of the room, but Sirius held him back.

"Let go off me!", he wasn't pleading, his voice carried the growl of a wolf.

"Guys, can we have a sec?"

 

James and Peter didn't need to be asked twice and were out of the room in an instant, closing the door behind them. "I don't want to hear any of it, there is no excuse!", Remus growled.

"I wasn't going to make an excuse", Sirius tone was harsh, totally in contrast to his usual sing-song.

Remus turned around to face the boy, his still handsome features hard as a stone: "Remus John Lupin". This was the first time he had ever had been addressed like this by a friend and he immediately straightened up.

"Now you listen! Do you think we did not know that it would be dangerous, that we could get caught or blow ourselves to dust? We did it because we love you!"

The words hit Remus with a full blow.

"Now, you excuse!", it wasn't a suggestion.

Remus felt the ground slipping beneath him and he searched for his bed to sit on its edge. But he was not ready to give in, not ready to allow the possibility that after 11 years of being alone at full moons, he would finally have someone to share this awful time, even better than that, have his best friends to share this time of dread and pain.

He swallowed, absorbing all the new information: "You really did something there, Sirius"

Sirius placed himself in front of him, just an arm's length away, with his face still stern.

"You can never take it back"

"Well, we don't want to take it back"

Remus had the feeling that he did not understand.

"You will never be able to make it undone!"

"That was the whole point".

Remus marveled at how sincere the boy in front of him appeared, not a boy anymore either. Without him noticing Sirius had turned into a young man.

"I will never allow that you are there – with me! Never!"

"I am afraid this decision is not something you can make by yourself, Remus!

The werewolf boy shook his head.

"We committed to this and now you have to trust us"

Sirius still didn't understand: "I trust you"

"Good!"

"No not good, I trust you! But this isn't about me or you or James or Peter! This is about the wolf! He does not know you, he can't be pleaded with or persuaded into giving in! He can't be reasoned with, he is an animal, a dangerous animal, even more than that, a possible murderous monster and I can't control him. He has urges, no self-control"

Sirius' face had softened, but he sure was not giving up: "I have no self-control!"

How could Sirius joke about that?

"Remus, we will be able to defend ourselves, even if we can't control the wolf, … you can't turn us when we are in our animagi form and we will be careful"

"How do you kn-", Remus had been trapped.

"As I said, you are not the only one who can do research!"

Remus was cornered.

"It will be alright!"

"Yeah?", it should have come out fully sarcastic, but there was a sip of hope in his question. "A teenage werewolf against a snack rodent, a prey stag and what? A paradise bird?", insults as always were Remus last resort.

But of course, Sirius knew so, he knew that this was the last of Remus fighting against what Sirius and the others had already agreed on. The young Black was on his feet, turning himself in an instant, and crashing onto Remus' chest with his heavy paws.

"What the fuck!", Remus gasped, pressing against the big black dog with all his strength, not holding back for once. But he was unable to move, the mutt pinning him down on the covers. The dog grinned at him, barking into his face, fine webs of slobber tangling from his giant mouth.

"Sirius, stop!"

The dog stopped barking immediately, tilting his head and balancing his strength in order to relieve some of the weight of the werewolf's chest.

"What now, you want a treat or something?"

Prompted by this, the dog gave Remus face a good lick.

"Bad dog!"

With a pop Sirius changed into his human form again, still on top of the other boy, his hands clawing into Remus' chest: "The name is Padfoot!"

Remus sighed, why didn't he have had a say in creating the nicknames?

"What do you think werewolf boy?"

"This is Mr. werewolf to you".

With this Remus pulled Sirius in a hug, only to roll him over, now pinning him to the bed.

"Remus, what are you doing?", Sirius' voice trembled.

"There will be no leaving the shack, you must be there together at all time and if it gets out of hand – you run".

Sirius swallowed hard: "Aye, aye Mr. Werewolf"

 

 

Remus still wasn't comfortable with it. They had talked about for most of the nights since the big reveal. They had snug out of the castle, Remus showing them how Peter could enable the Whomping Willow to stand still long enough in order for them to enter the tunnel leading to the wolf's hideout. He had made a point in showing them around the Shrieking Shack, planning where they could hide out during Remus turning. Remus had even forced James to transform into the stag to test his strength and speed, the well-trained Quidditch player reflexes, of course, being undeniable. And most important, Remus had demanded that all of them were able to change into there animagus form without the use of their wand, something only Sirius had mastered so far.

 

The night of the full moon, the Marauders made their way to the shack, even before Remus, who always was accompanied by either Madame Pomfrey or their house teacher, in order to make sure that he was there before the sun went down. The medi-witch hugged Remus before closing the silver lined door behind her.

"Guys you here?", Remus almost hoped that they wouldn't answer.

He heard the familiar noise of the invisibility cloak shifting and there they were, right there in the corner of the big room: Sirius with his face beaming in anticipation, James grinning unsure, Peter already in his Animagus form on his shoulder. "Even the three of us are really too big for this now!", James folded the cloak tugging it neatly into his bag.

They had decided beforehand, or rather Remus had made clear, that they should wait downstairs together until the last moment when he would retreat upstairs. He surely was no comfortable with his friends seeing how he turned. "And remember, you have to hide before Pomfrey gets back. Don't transform back until the sun is up!", although they had discussed it a thousand times he wanted to tell them one last time. He could already feel the wolf creeping up his skin.

"If the wolf doesn't come down – don't go up …", Remus stared at Sirius, emphasising his word. Prongs' antlers were surely in the way of him getting up the stairs, and he didn't worry about Wormtail, but Sirius, always Sirius.

This had been a bad idea, but it was too late. His keepers had always made sure that he could not get out of the hideout, and he wasn't sure if the marauders could – if not that meant that they soon were going to be trapped with a werewolf on their heels.

"Now"

James and Sirius followed his command, the black dog and the stag oddly misplaced in the shabby room.

 

Without looking back, Remus sprinted up the stairs. His skin already aching, he stripped in a haste.

He tried to keep quiet, but when the bones in his face began to shift and grow under his skin, he let out the first howl. His claws were stretching against the wood panels of the floor, splinters crushing into his skin, his spine racked to fit the wolf's giant posture. Remus' whimper came out as an angry growl, his vision shifting to dull colours and sharped shadows. His skin was overrun with the wolf's brown fur. He heard the familiar snap of his mouth springing into a snort and then he was not Remus anymore. The mind of the wizard, the straight A's student, the son, the marauder was consumed by the wolf.

 

The pain of the transformation was gone, his senses sharpened and the wooden splinter in his paws not more than ants crawling over an animal's body. The wolf let out a howl. He was in the place, the place, he most of the times woke up to, a cell, a prison without space to run, with no wild to hunt, with nothing to do. Frustrated, he clawed into the wall before him, not caring about the pain it caused, but craving the destruction, the beast snapped at the dust he had churned up.

 

But then his snout found an unusual smell lingering in the air. It wasn't of dust or blood or silver or wood, it was something alive, something strangely familiar. He turned around, following the smell. There, in the doorway was another wolf. No, not quite a wolf. The big, black dog was standing, one of his legs in the air, waiting. The wolf took one step forwards, growling at the intruder, drooling, almost spitting. He was the big, bad wolf and this animal seemed not afraid of him. Was he here to hurt him? The animal was expected to shiver, to bow, to truckle in front of him. But he wasn't. The dog tilted his head, one ear pointing in the air, the other sideways, still for a second and then flopped around, showing his belly, lying there ready to be disembowelled.

 

The wolf cringed at the sight… what was this animal doing? Slowly, placing one of his razor sharp claws before the other, he paced towards it, the dog still motionless. He sniffed towards him, the familiar smell filling his wide nostrils. The animal did not smell like food. Curious, the wolf placed his snout in the black fur, sniffing again. This smelled like, vaguely but definitely, this smelled like kind of … family.

 

He had told them to leave him as soon as he was turning back. He had told them a thousand times. But when Remus woke up he felt a warm lab under his face, a hand tracing his hairline. "Did it hurt someone?", the words came out of his mouth without a warning, without thinking about it.

"Everything is fine", it was Sirius who answered him, of course, it was Sirius.

Remus wasn't ready to face his friend and he kept his eyes shut. "You should leave"

"I will".

The wolf's heat was still circulating through Remus' blood and someone had covered his naked body with a dusty blanket. He was hot and tried to free his hands from under the stiff fabric. "Shush now, I just healed them", Sirius' voice carried firm and calm. It almost was too much for Remus to bare, he had done this so often by himself, never letting anyone comfort him like this so soon after he had turned back, not even his parents, not since he had left for Hogwarts in his first year. He had to force the tears back behind his closed lids. "What happened?", again the question spilled out by his mouth before he could stop it.

"It was …", Sirius was struggling to find the right word "… amazing".

Remus opened his eyes to find Sirius looking down at him. The face of the boy was heated, his hair coming loose from a messy bun. He looked tired, but the smile on his face was genuine and then softer: "everything is ok".

Remus tried to move, but a sharp pain on his left upper arm burned up and he sank back into the boy's lab.

"I had to rip up my shirt to have a bandage, it was pretty bad and I still suck at healing charms", it came out as an excuse, but his face was still beaming.

"Thank you, Pads"

"Remus, you are really heating up"

"Sorry…" Remus was using his right arm to lift himself up, looking around the room. "Where are James and Peter?", Remus immediately worried at the lack of his presence.

"I guess they are better at respecting your wishes", Sirius muttered in response.

"It's ok … You really look like shit tho"

"Thank you, same"

"And you smell, too"

Leaning into his friend he drew in his odor, the wolf supporting his senses. Under the layer of Sirius' everlasting smell of leather and peppermint and a certain mixture of shampoo and bonfire, he could make out a hint of something more animalistic, like a buzzing of magic.

He snapped back, looking at Sirius in surprise.

"What?"

"Nothing … you should go", Remus could hear Madame Pomfrey making her way through the tunnel.

Slowly, Sirius making his way out of the room and upstairs, Remus felt the buzz of magic retrieving with him.

As soon he was out of sight, Remus pulled his arm free from the bandages. Sirius healing work hadn't been perfect, but the wounds were still pretty good sealed.

But there it was, the result of the burning sensation he had experienced when looking into his best friend's eyes telling him that ‘everything was ok': 14.05.1976.

"Fuck!"

Without thinking, Remus grabbed his wand and muttered the glammer over the date, only disturbed by the occasional "FUCK"

 

When the marauders came to see him in the hospital wing that evening, Remus pretended to be asleep. He had truly mastered this art, but when Sirius brushed over his hairline, he almost let out a small whimper, the buzzing magic of the soulmate bond filling his body at once. Thankfully, Madame Pomfrey had a stern eye on the visitors and she would not let them stay. Checking on his heated forehead the medi-witch sighed, drawing the curtains and renewing the noice-cancelling spell around his bed.

 

Remus' eyes sprung open, his mouth panting. It felt like his chest was going to explode. The firm barrier that had shield his brain from teenage hormones for so long, crumbled away under the sparks that Sirius' touch had released into his body. "Fuck!"

Sirius heated face flashed onto his mind, his full lips forming the words: "Everything is ok".

Fucking nothing was okay!

He tried to shut his eyes, to shut away the image, but a new one emerged, Sirius' head in his lab, the morning after James' birthday.

The pressure in his groin tightened.

Sirius stealing a kiss from him in the corridor ‘to make a fucking point'.

All the blood was leaving his brain, that still made an effort to fight against the images, streaming into his already considerably stiffness.

"Fuck", the word lingered on his mind, maybe not the best choice in swearword when not trying to think of exactly that.

Sirius pinning him down on the bed.

Him pinning Sirius down on the bed.

Without knowing what he was doing his shaking hand had found its way around his cock, the smell of leather and peppermint in his nose.

"FUCK!"

 

_

 

Remus tried pleading with Madame Pomfrey, the next day. But after his fever had gone down – masturbation had done the trick at it seems – the medi-witch was not letting him stay in her hospital wing any longer.

 

Without the map, Remus could not be sure, but he was quite positive that his dorm colleagues would be out of their shared room. Peter was scheduled for Herbology, James and Sirius both for Ancient Runes (a subject they shared with Remus). Under normal conditions Remus would have been eager to join them, not wanting to miss another lesson. But he still could not wrap his hands around what would happen the next time he saw Sirius, or even worst being touched by Sirius. He sighed, there was no way of him getting around that, Sirius touched him literally all the time, tugging at his robe, ruffling through his hair, stroking his back. He had not even reached Gryffindor tower, but with this on his mind, he already could feel a bump forming under his robe.

He hurried through the common room: "Oi, Lupin"

Marlene's voice carried over to him from the sofa before the fireplace: "Your loverboy asked me to tell you to meet them at the greenhouse for lunch when you come through here".

"Ok", Remus hadn't stopped to answer, but flew by the girl and up the stairs to his dorm.

"Rude!"

"Thanks, Marlene", he closed the door behind him.

The room was full of Sirius, his smell streaming at him for his bed, his clothes that were shattered on the floor, even the books and records radiating peppermint and shampoo, bonfire and leather.

"This is a nightmare!"

 

He was out of his trousers before he could think about it, eyeing Sirius bed that emitted the strongest sense. "Fuck, no", this wasn't right, he could not go to wank in his best friends bed, even if he was his soulmate.

Drastically, he was trying to remember the conversation Sirius had had with James about unwanted erections in all to public settings, at the time, of course, he had wanted to not-listen as much as he could, but now he needed to remember.

"Cold shower, yes".

The water evaporated on his hot skin, turning the bathroom into a steam chamber.

"Remus, you are in here?"

Fuck.

"Yeah- Pads, one sec'"

Sirius' voice had undone the effect of the cold shower altogether.

"Why didn't you show?"

Oh fuck, why couldn't he shut up for one second!

"wha--?"

Remus felt the draught of fresh air when Sirius opened the bathroom door.

"Greenhouse? Lunch?"

"I forgot", Remus voice coming out a bit too high pitched.

"You okay?"

There was only the fine shower curtain separating the two boys now.

"Yes, be there in a moment".

For a moment, the raven-haired boy did not move.

"Okay"

Remus heard the clicking of the bathroom door closing and a second later he spilled into the icy water.

 

"You really okay?", Sirius was eying him from his bed, the record player in front of him.

"I just needed a shower that's all"

The boy did not seem convinced: "You really have to talk with James and Peter".

"Why? What's up?", he forced himself to sound as casual as possible, at the same time trying to breathe as flat, in order not to get too much of Sirius smell inside his system.

"You haven't talked to them since the full moon – have you?"

Oh, that was that was about. Remus exhaled relief: "Yeah sure – I'm going to find them now".

"They are in the library with Lily"

"Okay, bye". Remus was almost out the door.

"Remus?", Sirius tone concerned, "did you even have lunch?"

No, in fact, he hadn't had lunch, in fact, for the first time ever in his life he had missed a meal.

 

Remus did not want to face the others, especially not Lily, who could smell a foul in love from twenty feet. But he also knew, that he had to talk to them eventually, or else they would think that it was because of their night at the shack that he went out of their way. Also, right now, everything was better than to be in a room with Sirius.

 

To Remus relief, the library did not smell anything like Sirius. It smelled like old books and dust and ink and parchment and it smelt comfortably like his old life, meaning a life before a flush of hormones had been released to his brain. He saw their friends at their usual spot, a noice-cancelling spell hovering around their table. Lily was not playing around anymore with her NEWT studies.

 

He stepped into the spelled area: "Hoi, folks"

"Hiya Moony", James saw him first. "How are you?" Lily, who was leaning over Peter's potion essay, raised her head: "Hi", her voice was soft and caring.

"Good, good", he tried a weak smile, reminding himself that the last time James and he had talked was before his friend had seen him in his full werewolf self.

Before he could say anything else, he was tackled by Peter, who had snuck at him from behind and was now jumping up his back, grabbing his neck: "Thanks for not eating me! You big werewolf poof!" Remus shook up the chubby boy effortlessly pulling him into a headlock.

"Hey not fair … wolf superpowers"

He let Peter go and settled into one of the empty chairs.

"So, Sirius told me it was okay?", the sentence still came out as a question.

James looked at him surprised: "You can't remember?" his hands searching for something to do and picking up the pen.

"Only very vague. Like that the wolf enjoyed it, but that … I don't know …. he also could have enjoyed eating you! …. So?"

"It was pretty cool, actually", the smirk on James' face was enough for Remus to believe him, although he sounded way to enthusiastic about the whole ‘spending time with a werewolf' affair.

For what Remus had thought, Lily had the exact same look on her face.

"I'm going to find a book", with this words she excused herself from the table, having clearly heard the story already more than once.

"Of course, Sirius did not wait for you to come back down, but my antlers were in the way so I could not go upstairs and then when you came down with Padfoot…. at first you were kind of unsure about me but he showed you that I was a friend or something and you were sniffing a lot …". Peter jumped in before James could tell the whole story by himself: "Then you freaked out a bit over me, but you did not eat me and it was kind of fun actually with you being confused and such".

Remus looked at his friends like they were fully nuts, which of course they were: "So, you liked it?"

"The wolf liked it too! I think", James looked at him sincerely.

"How did I get the wounds?"

His two friends looked at each other, now slightly uncomfortable, shifting in their seat, James answering his question: "Well you told us to go back when the sun begins to rise, only that the wolf wanted to play a bit longer and I guess he didn't want us to leave, so he kind of scratched himself on purpose or something… sorry Remus"

Remus could not hide his shook, not about the fact that the wolf would hurt himself, it had done that since he could remember, his scars being the witness of it, but he would never that thought that the beast was doing it out of anything more than a biological drive, an urge to destroy anything, not as an outcry for attention.

There were tears streaming into his eyes. Was this the reason for Sirius staying behind, for healing his wounds, for telling him that everything was ok? James leaped from his seat, drawing Remus in a tight hug: "Remus, it's okay. We are fine, we are not leaving you to do this alone ever again!" James words unlocked something inside him and the tears came crushing out of him uncontrolled.

 

When he left the library and his friends there behind, fully shaken as he was, to search out Sirius, he was prepared. He was prepared for him to smell nice and be the most handsome wizard to ever walk Gryffindor tower, he even was prepared for his smile and his sing-song. Only, when he opened the door he realised he had not been prepared to walk into Sirius half naked. The raven-haired boy was in the midst of changing into his quidditch robes, zipping his leather trousers in the very second Remus entered the room. Remus' eyes darted to the defined chest, perfect in every way, even the scars complimenting his form. For a moment Remus was afraid of what the sight might trigger in his pants, but this time it was different.

Sirius looked up at him, grabbing his shirt from the floor, but freezing in the movement: "Remus you okay?"

Without thinking, Remus bridged the distance between them and pulled him in his arms. Sirius immediately let go of his shirt, embracing the hug, his face buried into Remus' shoulder. Remus inhaled the smell of his soulmate, not anymore the brisk buzzing of magic, but more like a sphere shielding both of them from the outside world. It was selfish, but it was the easiest thing to do … His hand found Sirius' chin and brought it up. The raven-haired boy looked at him, his eyes big, but his feature revealing nothing about how he felt. Remus leaned forward, his lips carefully brushing over the others. Feeling him quiver under the touch, Remus tilted his head back, admiring the boy's face with his eyes closed, and before the moment could pass Remus was there again, smoothening over the other boy's lips, surprised about how easy it felt, how naturally his lips slightly opened up and how it made him shiver when the boy returned the kiss.

 

Sirius let out a voiceless gasp, suddenly pushing Remus away from him, shielding his side with his hand. "Aah what the fuck", Sirius let out another gasp, this time fully articulated. Remus was just standing there, looking at his soulmate, the boy he just had kissed. He took a careful step towards Sirius and brushed away the boy's hand: "Well, at least the dates do not match".

Before he could say anything else, Sirius had drawn him into a long kiss.

 

**Matched_**

 

Sirius had to detach Remus from him, forcing him back.

"What?", the question lingered on his face, but reality came streaming back at him and his wolf senses fully activated again he could now hear it too.

They turned to the door, hearing their friend's hushed voices through it: "No I can't see anything, Peter! Lily and I hexed the keyhole shut weeks ago"

"Why would you do-", Peters question had been stopped, apparently by an act of physical violence.

"Totally uncalled for, Progs"

"Shut up you guys or they will hear you", Lily's voice was softer but still very noticeable.

 

PENG, Sirius and Remus had had the same idea and their spells had melted into one, blasting the door open. They stood there, smirking at their friends who looked flabbergasted about being caught in the act of spying.

Of course, Sirius still was topless. Both of the boy's visible heated and their lips slightly swollen already.

Their friend's eyes jumped from one to the other, making out Sirius visible black date soulmark with big eyes. Before anyone could ask Remus he pulled up the long sleeve of his jumper, revealing his own.

 

James immediately shrieked (like a little girl, which Sirius and Remus were never short of mentioning every time they would tell the story) and a second later crushed onto them, burring his friends under him on the floor. Peter was them one second later.

"You fucking sweet sugar coated lovebirds". James was frantic – forcing Sirius in a headlock, kissing his head, hugging Remus until he gasped for air. Peter was there, just laughing at the scene.

"Oh look at you boys! You would think you all matched!", Lily's comment was cocky but heartfelt and as soon as Sirius and Remus had managed to shake James of and picked themselves up, she drew both of them in for a hug. It lingered for some seconds before Sirius detached himself and Remus stayed there, still hugging his best friend.

 

The next day, when Remus and Sirius marched into the Great Hall holding each other's hand, nobody seemed to notice. They sat down for breakfast, Sirius hand in his boyfriend's hair, laughing and flirting, nobody rolled their eye or glanced at them. The whole day went like this, Remus and Sirius openly displaying small intimacies, talking to each other in the softest, most flirtatious tones, but nobody seemed to care. Now, they were back in the Great Hall for dinner.

"What the fuck? Why is it that we are not the hottest gossip of Hogwarts right now?", Sirius was obviously displeased.

"I guess you don't behave so much different than before?", Lily was just trying to help but this had not been what Sirius wanted to hear.

"Oh, I guess not everyone can be as hot gossip as the Prefect and the Quidditch captain".

"Ex quidditch captain", Lily smirked at him but Sirius gave her a death-stare look.

"Maybe you should walk around shirtless? Seems to do the trick for your family?", Peter smiled at him, knowing that he had stricken a nerve with that comment.

"Oh bite me- Mouseteeth"

Peter only poked his tongue out in return.

It wasn't that Sirius wanted everyone to know, it was just that … no, it was exactly that! He wanted everyone to know.

"What are you doing Sirius?", Remus sounded sincere but also slightly amused (a mixture that was his signature recipe). But Sirius shut him up with a deep, long kiss – a kiss that was sure something not everyone could overlook.

 

"Oi, Black, stop snogging your soulmate! This is a school, Godric's sake!", Marlene's voice had carried over from the other end of the Great Hall. Now, the faces kept turning until Remus could force Sirius back, Sirius looking smug as ever, Remus all flushed and slightly taken back, but he could not stop himself from grinning from one ear to the other.

That was until their heads turned over a single pair of hands clapping away: "10 points to Gryffindor!", Dumbledore raised his glass to the boys, before going back to his conversation with McGonagall, whom herself looked pretty amused.

"That's unfair! Why didn't we get points?", they all laughed although Remus was not sure if Lily had actually joked.

 

"Lily, we don't want a party"

"It's not a party!"

"Do you care to say what it is?"

"No!"

The discussion had been going on since at least 10 minutes, but it was going nowhere.

"It's a fucking surprise- deal with it"

"Lily I must say my boyfriend clearly has a bad influence on your vocabulary", Sirius grinned at her.

"Well my boyfriend really has a bad influence on you two getting all soulmate-y, loving, couple-ly"

"I am right here, and you can hardly blame me for destiny, Lily", James was pointing his fingers in her ribs.

"No prickling! I won't allow it!", Lily gasp under her giggles.

Remus was grinning from one ear to the other, tugging at Sirius leather jacket. "Okay, Lily whatever it is, let us know when and where we have to be …"

"What are you up to?"

Sirius grabbed Remus hand, "It is FUCKING, surprise, Lily" and off they were.

Lily only snorted in response. "How are you even still able to get some sleep?"

James sighed, "Either they are really good at sound-canceling spells or they are just fucking with us"

Lily sighed, "fucking you said?", a mischievous smile on her lips.

 

Remus had finally agreed to magically unify their beds, but only with the requirement that there was absolutely no eating in bed whatsoever and Sirius had to work on his cleaning spells. Remus actually enjoyed the new found peace and quiet way too much and had retreated to lie on the bed, a book in front of him, while Sirius dug through his records: "Have you seen T-Rex?"

"It might still be on?"

Sirius had been obsessing with "Cosmic Dancer" for the last week.

He eventually found the record and the soft tunes were vaporizing through the air.

"Hey, no reading!"

He climbed onto his boyfriend, shushing away the floating book, which found his place in the bookshelf all by itself.

"Hey I was in the middle of the decapitation of Clementina the Mad"

"Yes … no, I don't think so"

Sirius drew him in for a soft kiss, soft first. "Tell me a story, Remus"

The werewolf boy was eying him with suspicion.

"Whatever comes to your mind", he was pulling on his jumper, removing it over his head. Remus shivered: "Clementina the Mad had like 10 children- ouch…"

Sirius had flicked his ear: "Not that kind of story!"

Remus laughed, "I thought you love me for all my intellectual qualities …"

"yes… but that's not your only quality", Sirius kissed him again, this time more urgent.

 

They had made it a routine to kick out poor Peter in order to have the dorm room to themselves. Of course, they could have used one of the many hideouts that were popular with the students, there were broom closets, empty classrooms and secret passageways enough to give shelter the horny teenage witches and wizards of Hogwarts. It was just that, they were in no rush.

 

Afterwards, when they lay there, both exhausted and happy, Remus had curled up on Sirius' chest, tracing the soulmark with his fingers.

"Remus? Do you know what Lily has planned for us?"

Remus let out a peal of small laughter, his ribcage shaking under Sirius' head: "Nooo"

"You are literally the worst liar", Sirius was muffling into his skin, tickling him with his long black hair.

"Okay, okay, stop, please mercy!"

"Spill!"

"Again? Sirius, you are insatiable!"

For this, he was pushed back but immediately drew Sirius in again.

"I overheard her talking with James, I think they are setting up a date for us"

"A date?"

"… we literally have dates on our skin"

"I guess she thought there was romance missing in our life's"

Sirius snorted, he clearly found this accusation ridiculous. …

 

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"The year is almost up…"

The sudden sincerity was new to their shared bed, and Sirius wasn't sure if he liked it.

"What are you thinking?"

"I don't want to go back to my parent's house", Remus had made the decision long ago, but before the first moon with the Marauders, he hadn't thought that it would be possible to go somewhere else.

"I don't have parents anymore", Sirius did not sound sad by any means, but he was trying to form his next thoughts into words … "You want to move in together?"

Remus took Sirius hand into his, leading it up to his mouth, placing a small kiss on every single one of the fingers. Sirius knew that this was a diversionary tactic and he let it be. If had learned something from the whole story, it was that he had to let Remus time to figure things out by himself.

"Yes I would like that very much", he said, breathing the words into his soulmate's neck.

 

**-fin**

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments and kudos if you liked it - that motivates me to write faster and more :)
> 
> there is Et Voila - the deleted smut scene of the last chapter published separately :)


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